A Happy Homecoming

We said it so many times, as we lounged on white sand beaches and gazed into sparkling aquamarine waters: 'As soon as we get home, it will seem as though we were never away'. At the time, that possibility made me shudder. Now, as I sit in my brother's cosy flat with Pushington Stanley Flatface the First (Poosh for short) purring and weaving around my ankles, it doesn't seem so bad afterall. In fact, I am extremely happy indeed.

So as I type I am trying to think, am I different? What do I feel? You can't go away for 6 and a half months and come back the same person, surely? Essentially, I suppose I am the same, but yes there are subtle differences. Apart from the physical differences; brown skin, more wrinkles, longer crazy hair and about half a stone less body fat the rest is slightly harder to put a finger on.

I think they key phrase is 'INNER PEACE'. This was something which I didn't realise I was after until Jane my lovely best travel buddy pointed out that it seemed to be what I was lacking. We were in Boracay at the time - the most stunning island I've ever had the fortune to lay my tired body on. And I was really down. Annoyingly, the reason for this was an elusive guy - isn't it always the case? They search me out the elusive ones, hunt me down and stir me up.

As my eyes took in paradise, my heart felt heavy and my mind felt numb. The sensation was very much at odds with my surroundings and it made me angry. I had finished the Raleigh expedition on top of the world (or more to the point, on top of a mountain - but that's another story again). I had lived this crazy simple life of 'back to basics' and whether I had romance in my life did not once enter my head. It was an irrelevance.

I had then made the questionable decision to meet up someone in Australia who I knew had the power to mess with my mind. Not intentionally, but just through circumstances. Lo and behold, a week of continuous guessing had left me leaving Oz with only a hint of my new self-confidence on show.

The anger grew. Was I going to let someone who is probably not worth my time, mess up my last month of gadding about? NO WAY, was the answer, I just had to find a way through it. Luckily at that point, fate made a three-fold appearance in some surprising guises; food poisoning, Travis.... and Stacy. That's a story already told and the combined experienced wrenched me away from thinking about a boy.

Next came my return to Mengaris, where it really dawned on me that in fact everything was very ok indeed, and the important things in life were staring me in the face, challenging me not to forget. I thought of all that Bev and I had achieved on expedition, the friends I had made in Borneo, the work I had done, the way I felt there. Happily, I realised that my recent boy-worrying was a mere blip. I knew right then, right there I would never, EVER let a guy have this sort of affect on me again. I don't need it, it became an irrelevance once more.

Once this feeling started creeping into my consciousness, there was no stopping it. It grew and grew, overwhelming me. I laughed at how I'd even managed to bother about such a pointless situation. The other thing I started to notice, was how you obviously project how you are feeling inside, onto others. As the inner peace radiated through me I clearly was inviting people in, without even trying to. It is true - you get what you give. If your happiness, your 'inner peace' is firmly in place, lovely people gravitate towards you. You get more, seemingly without even trying. Fiji, our final destination was a case in point - I'll write about that later.

So are you reading this and feeling nauseous? Laughing at my ridiculous typing, littered with cliches? Probably. And you know what? I don't care! This is for me. It feels like a revelation and it's making me very happy. DWMYH - that's how I do things these days........ not in a selfish way, just in a 'why would you do it any other way?' type way.

So. What else can I say about coming home? Well, it has been a delight to be reunited with my wardrobe. Living out of a backpack puts serious restraints on a girl's repertoire of outfits, and whilst I'd say what I'm wearing is far less significant to me that it used to be, its still very exciting to have so much choice again. Zipping open my storage bags felt like going shopping, but for free. Awesome.

My outlook on life is so different now. Anything which seems hard, I view as a challenge. People who seem difficult, I just find a way to manage them. When I feel down, I know it won't last, but accept that it's fine to feel that way for a bit. I look forward, I try harder, I intend to succeed. Maybe this is all stuff which just comes to you as you get older, but actually I feel that my trip has made a vast difference to the way I think. Sometimes I feel frustrated as I am not sure everyone understands. When I begin to talk about my trip I can sense people tuning out. But then I remember that it doesn't matter. I did it, I understand, thats all that counts..... and its a feeling I'll take with me for the rest of my life. And if I walk through life alone, thats absolutely fine too - I know how to make myself happy, I have goals and things to achieve - and I know I will do it, I believe in myself. Exciting times.