To my Successor.......

The 'handover notes' I wrote from Guest #1 to Guests #2 and 3............ during my 13 hour stop in Philadelphia.

To My Successor,

Welcome to LA! If you are reading this, you have bravely battled through volcanic ash to visit your boyfriend who is currently ‘working’ in LA. Nice one – I hope your journey out here hasn’t been quite as long or as sleep deprived as mine is likely to be getting home. I’m typing from Philadelphia at the moment, waiting 12 hours for my connecting flight to Madrid where I shall be trying to get into the UK by hook or by crook or by donkey.

So – I have been the very lucky guest of Deloitte consultant, Mr W, and have spent a truly wonderful 2 weeks on holiday at the 5 star luxury SLS Hotel, located on La Cienega Boulevard, Beverly Hills. How totally uber-glam does that sound? UBER. You will love it there, but there are a few things you must know about the place, and indeed the experience as a whole:

1) On arrival at the hotel you will no doubt be knackered and overwhelmed. Albeit a stunning place to reside, the dim lighting, wall-to-wall mirrors and large metal animals adorned with flowers and fruit at the SLS should not freak you out too much, but it’s possibly best to be aware of them in advance. First impressions are it’s a bit like going through the mirrored curtain thing in the film The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, but just roll with it, because it’s just the sleep deprivation talking, and soon enough you’ll be tucked snugly into the biggest and comfiest bed you’ve ever laid your weary body in.

2) Dinner on your first night will no doubt be in Bazaar – the hotel restaurant. Be prepared to be blown away by the tiniest yet tastiest food you’ve ever eaten. There will be small parcels of delightfulness brought to you by the friendliest waitress on the planet, and do not be alarmed by the insubstantial-sounding air bread dish – it’s a taste sensation. Size zero will be within your reach in no time.

3) Or so you think until you meet the rest of the Deloitte crew. The team consists of Sam, Henry and James. One of these you will probably already know intimately – the others you will get to know extremely well, have huge amounts of laughter with and be gutted to have to say goodbye to at the end of your trip. Try not to cry when this happens – it’s well not cool. It’s also unlikely to be the last time you say goodbye, if my attempts to leave are anything to go by – you will soon get blasé about saying farewell. The Boys have one thing in common (other than a fairly lackadaisical approach to work) and this is a total love of food and eating out. You will be spoilt for choice, fed endlessly and need to buy bigger pants by the end of your trip. Embrace it.

4) It is very likely, in fact almost a certainty, that you will be offered at least one threesome whilst you sit poolside, minding your own business, fresh off the plane. Normal procedure is; one by one a couple of drunken female spring-break students will approach you and ask to borrow sun-cream. They will probably then discuss you loudly with their aged male companion and exclaim how hot you are. Next, a glass of pink champagne will be delivered over by one of your friendly poolside waiters on their behalf, and before you know it you’ve been hoodwinked into joining them on the three loungers in the coldest pool. You will feel exceptionally uncomfortable at first. The drunkest and highest spring-breaker will then probably offer you the opportunity to sleep with her. If this fails she will try and entice you to a threesome. Finally a last attempt to get you to ditch your boyfriend and hotfoot it out to Las Vegas for some drugs will be thrown at you. Be strong and resist, unless you’re braver and cooler than me – in which case, fill your boots.

5) Be aware that one of the pools is significantly and ball-breakingly colder than the other. You’ll quickly work out which, especially if you go through the whole threesome/Las Vegas invite rigmarole.

6) The hotel staff are lovely, but wiley. They will take advantage of your newness and confuse you with payment methods until you probably find yourself paying about 4 times for each dish you have. Normal procedure is to sign for what you order so it’s charged to the room. Then hand over your credit card and try wherever possible to pay in cash too. This will be mistaken for a huge tip, and unwittingly you will become the waiter’s new best mate. However, you will still not be taken advantage of quite so much as Henry with his $195 dollar washing bill and $50 for 2 poached eggs, so this might bring small comfort.

7) Your days will be hectic – first thing, you get passed the newspaper as your Deloitte host pops off to ‘work’ and after few cups of delicious and free* coffee you will hit the pool, bikini/speedos donned for 8 hours of serious lolling/reclining. Your evenings will be diverse, entertaining, and will often incorporate a gay Melbournian.

8) Do not expect to choose your own wine at dinner. When the waitress asks you what you’d like, briefly yet pointlessly study the menu and wait for Henry to order you a Pinot Noir. Give him his due though – the man knows his wine.

9) If you are female, and dither more than about 30 seconds over what to choose to eat, the waitress will, by default, bring you a tasteless iceburg lettuce salad. This will be sold to you as the tastiest and most incredible salad that mankind has ever known – but make no mistake - it will taste pap.

10) Be prepared to have to discuss for hours on end alternative words for the ‘vagina’. James seems to know the most. Sam knows just the one – the most offensive one. He’ll use it loudly and freely wherever you are. I had the misfortune to witness the birth of a new one – the ‘gunt’. The Boys will explain to you exactly what this is – I can’t bring myself to type it.

11) No-one is particularly confident on the roads (I’m glad I’m not present whilst they read this bit), but just strap yourself in and enjoy the erratic swerving and dithering to the sound of the pronunciation of road names by the electronic American bird on the SatNav. Get Henry to do his impression of her saying ‘La Cienega Boulevard’ roughly every 3 minutes throughout every evening – you will be in stitches.

12) Try to ensure that you are picked up at the airport by the brightest yellow, tiniest, fastest convertible corvette on the planet. This will mainly be easiest if you’re going out with Sam. If you’re not, try and persuade Henry or James to borrow it for the occasion. The forward thrust will do weird things to your stomach but you’ll find it massively exhilarating. Try to cover the fact you are very impressed by calling it ‘ridiculous’ or ‘pointless’ and moan loudly about your suitcase not fitting in the boot. Then sit back and secretly love the entire experience.

13) Do not forget to make copious notes throughout each dinner. You will be expected to give rigorous and lengthy feedback on any meal eaten. Any attempts to try and include ‘ambiance’ or ‘conversation’ in your findings will be dismissed as girly/gay/too much like a date night – but push on through and soon enough you’ll get your way.

14) Have a love of spreadsheets and/or chat about spreadsheets.

15) If a last minute mini break to San Francisco in a (possibly even more incredible) hotel is not forthcoming at least 4 days after you’ve arrived, demand a refund and get a better boyfriend.

16) Brush up on your tour guide skills with immediate effect, and adapt seamlessly to pretending to know a city you’ve never been to or read about before. If possible take the boys up as many exceptionally steep hills as you can. It’s the only thing that’s shut them up in two whole weeks. Joking, lads, JOKING.

17) Do not stand too close to Sam if he has Mexican food for breakfast.

18) Learn how to add value.

19) Find a machine which assists you in adding value.

20) Learn what adding value means.

21) Then learn what adding value means in the world of whatever it is Sam, James & Henry do.

22) Pretend you understand what the feck Sam, Henry or James do every day from about 10am until 2pm (which seem to be the standard LA working hours).

*The coffee being free depends on several factors; including the type of cup it’s poured into, the location from which you drink it, and the day of the week it is. If you pour it directly into a paper cup at reception – its free. If you are served it from a china cup whilst sitting in the breakfast lounge on a Tuesday – it’s $8. From a paper cup, served poolside on a Tuesday – free. Paper cup, poolside on a Wednesday - $4. Paper cup, poolside on a Thursday - $8. Milk is not milk, it’s half and half which is like single cream. Cream is like double cream and hardens the arteries in seconds. Stay sharp when it comes to the coffee. If they pour it directly into your mouth, you earn money. Terms & conditions apply.

23) Do not expect to be left alone poolside for any longer than about 10 minutes. Be prepared to be drawn into lengthy bouts of listening to some LA-wannabe who has more money than sense bang on about how uber-cool they are. Agree with them, but rest safe in the knowledge that they’re really a bit of a twat.

24) Don’t talk to anyone who wears coloured contact lenses.

25) Marvel at the fake boobs on display around the pool, and don’t get testy when the boys discuss them in front of you, or even give them marks out of ten. In fact, join in – they’re hilarious.

26) You will notice one of aforementioned fake-boobed women is a regular at the SLS, put your biggest shades on and watch her cavort with fat, balding, unpleasant old rich man after fat, balding, unpleasant old rich man.

27) Start compiling a list of Henry’s likes and dislikes. You will need a LOT of paper for this.

28) Sam loves mushrooms and squid – make sure you demand these as part of every meal.

29) Be patient when James inevitably takes you to the beach to watch him surf (we all wanted to go, honest). Do not spend too long negotiating the ‘it’s time to come out of the water’ signal – he won’t be looking for it and will be too busy conversing with gnarly surf dudes amongst the breakers to acknowledge the three idiots on the beach jumping up and down like mentalists in a vain effort to try and get his attention.

30) Get Henry on the jalapeno martinis at your earliest opportunity. Three should be enough after wine with dinner. Sit back and be entertained. Do not expect him to be up for work the next day and leave him with very easy access to the bathroom, on his own.

31) Make the most of Concierge Casey. He is so helpful he will escort you to the restaurant of your choice (or ‘announce your arrival’ there) after lengthy advice on your selected destination and countless printouts of slightly confusing and occasionally conflicting directions. Love him – he loves you already and he hasn’t even met you yet.

32) Be aware of the difference between freshwater eels and saltwater eels. Freshwater eels are eels which are from, fresh water. Saltwater eels are eels which originate from water which is the ocean. Important, pertinent inside info.

33) Try and get a volcano in northern Europe to start erupting a few days before you have to fly home. It will almost certainly buy you nearly a further week on this trip of a lifetime and you will be the lucky recipient of about 4 leaving parties.

Ok. I think that should do it. Rest assured you are going to have an amazing time with three of the loveliest, kindest and gentlemanly guys you have ever had the good fortune to meet.

Over to you………………………………